Mommy, when I woke up, I had a dialogue
with God. I asked him to give me words of encouragement to give to you for your
birthday. This was His answer: “The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and
saves those who are crushed in spirit.” (Psalm 34:18).
Then the Lord brought back to memory
another dialogue I had with Him…one that I had with Him the night Marla died.
Mom, I want to share this with you on your birthday so that amidst our pain,
amidst our broken hearts, God can breathe HOPE in our hearts.
Dialogue in the Dark
“Lord, I don’t understand!” No, I wasn’t
angry….I was confused. God just didn’t make sense.
When Marla was diagnosed with breast
cancer in 2007, I made an inner vow/ commitment that I would be Marla’s ally in
her fight of faith;
One day the Lord gave me Ps. 118:17 “I
will not die but live, and will proclaim what the LORD has done” . I claimed
this verse as a promise for Marla. As I shared this with Marla, I was so
excited to learn that the Lord gave her the very same verse the same week!
So through all her ups and downs with
cancer, we bonded together in our trust that God, not cancer, would win in the
end.
Even as Marla was rushed to the ER on
Friday, April 16, 2011 and later transferred to ICU the next day- I was in
faith that Marla will bounce back and that she would go home soon.
On April 18 at 1:32 pm, Marla went home-
home to be with the Lord.
With hope crushed and heart, broken in
pieces, I could not breathe. My heart was racing… was I about to have a heart
attack? I felt the sentence of death. Overwhelmed with grief, I was in a deep
dark pit of despair.
… in this deep dark pit I wrestled with
God; I had nagging questions and I was grasping for answers like one grasps for
air.
…in this deep dark pit I had a dialogue
with God:
ME: Lord, Marla cried out to you “Lord
not yet, not yet” and at the point Lord I was so confident you would not take
her. You are a gentleman Lord and you would not take her if she was not ready;
you would not take her against her will…
Lord: Sandra, go back to the garden of
Gethsemane…what did I cry out?
ME: Lord, you cried out “Father, take
this cup away from me”
LORD: Just like Marla, I too cried out
to the Father; I too did not want to die at that point. But what did I say
after that?
ME: You said, “But not my will but your
will be done”
LORD: Remember when you wanted to come
back to the ICU to be with Marla, but the nurses did not let you in? That was
the time Marla said “But Lord, not my will but your will be done”. You were not
there to witness Marla say these words to me. Sandra, I did not take her
against her will…I did not take her until she totally surrendered;
ME: But Lord what about your promise to
Marla in Psalm 118:17 “I will not die but live and proclaim what the Lord has
done?”
LORD: Marla is not dead, she continues
to live…in her kids, in Doug, in you…in all of those she has impacted…
Then I understood; it was beginning to
make some sense…
I realized that if I were to turn my
back on God now…then Marla would have died in vain. To honor Marla’s memory, I
would worship God .
Marla fought so hard, not just against
cancer but against us losing our faith in God.
Marla feared that her cancer would cause
us to question God and eventually turn our backs on Him.
In a personal email to me written after
the discovery that the cancer had come back with a vengeance (months after they
sent a newsletter declaring she was cancer free) Marla writes…
“Initially, I had a peace about it all
but now, facing the fact that we need to make it public, I am beginning to
become more emotional about it. I guess I feel like I have given God a bad name
especially to those who do not know him. It's like I have put him to shame. I
know that I should not worry about how people will react but that is how I feel
at the moment. I know that the Lord will give me grace and strength.”
Marla was fighting two battles: the
battle against cancer and a bigger battle: Different ones in the family
suspected that Marla would not be telling us the real story of her cancer…they
feared that she was worried for them; but it was more than that…much bigger
than that- she feared they would lose their faith in God.
So if I would turn my back against God
because of Marla’s death, then I would have just confirmed her fear…. But I
will not let that happen.
Marla lived a life of worship and honor
to God; one thing mattered most to her- that God would take center stage in her
life. The words of john the Baptist on Jesus “HE must become greater, I must
become less” could have very well be Marla’s own words. Marla was never
comfortable in the limelight; she found purpose and dignity in stepping back
and allowing God to shine. As she battled with cancer, one thing mattered most
to her-that God would take center stage.
Marla wrote in her blog:
“I don’t know how long this journey will
be, how many more deep waters, rivers of difficulty and fires I have to go
through but I know how it is going to end: Jesus will have the victory and his
name will be glorified. That I am sure! Until that day when I see him face to
face, I will proclaim Psalm 118:17 which says, “I will not die but live to tell
what the Lord has done!” That is how I want to spend the rest of my days:
proclaiming the glorious deeds of the Lord! “
Even if Marla is not with me anymore in
body, she is still with me in spirit and thus I will continue to proclaim the
glorious deeds the Lord has done through her life…though gone, she continues to
inspire me…. if Marla who amidst excruciating pain, amidst despair, amidst
adversity can praise the Lord, why can’t I? Marla’s life continues to speak to
me…God does not deserve my bitterness, my anger etc…
To Marla the question was never “Why
me?” The question was WHO- “Who can I trust now?” To Marla, the answer was
always easy- she can trust in the name of the Lord, in God her Savior.
Mommy dear, as God adds a new year to
your life today, my prayer is that whenever you face life's challenges, God
would give you His grace to turn your question from "WHY ME?" to
"WHO CAN I TRUST NOW?" and I am in faith that each time you would ask
this question, your answer would be "I can trust God my Lord and Savior".
I love you Mommy! Happy Birthday!
